


Sometimes It Lasts In Love But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

by screamyourheartout



Category: All Time Low
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-08
Updated: 2011-12-08
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamyourheartout/pseuds/screamyourheartout





	Sometimes It Lasts In Love But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

Alex knew what was happening the moment their eyes met. He knew what was happening the moment they first spoke. He knew what was happening the moment they first _kissed._ He knew it was happening, but he never bothered to stop it. He knew he was falling for him, but he never bothered to tell him what was _wrong._

 _So this is my story to you Jack. This is my story of how I fell in love with you. This is my story of how I never knew that things would turn out like this. I never knew I would meet you and I never knew you would change my whole world. I never meant to hurt you. But I do know now, that I love you and I will always love you. Remember that._

Jack tipped his head back against his apartment wall, thin pages of paper dangling in his hand. He felt the tears trickle down his face as he sucked in a deep breath. He lifted the papers up and wiped at his eyes. He promised Alex he wouldn’t cry. Slowly his eyes started to read over the words written out...

 _I knew you were trouble the moment you bumped into me in the hallway on your first day of our senior year..._

-

“Whoa there! Sorry, man. Wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” Alex rolled his eyes at the voice that was currently standing in front of him, not bothering to help him pick up his books. Alex stood up after he finished and looked at the boy standing before him.

He was tall, probably taller than Alex. Skinny as fuck, skinnier then Alex for sure and that was most definitely saying something. But he was beautiful; Alex was a fool to deny that. His dark skin and soft brown eyes sparkling with mischief. Alex had to blink a few times to get his mind off of how amazing his lips looked and back to the fact that this boys mouth was moving and noise was coming out.

“..So would you mind?” The guy finished. Alex stared back at him a blank expression on his face. The guy started laughing causing a few people to stare. Alex turned around and started walking again, hating the feeling of eyes people’s eyes on him. _Judging_ him. The boy followed, not at all bothered by Alex’s obvious rudeness.

“So my name is Jack.” Jack said, sliding his hand over to Alex. Lightly, Alex shook his hand, pulling away almost immediately.

“Alex.” He mumbled. Jack smiled brighter at this.

“Alex. I like it. You seem like an Alex you know?” He said. Alex didn’t really respond to that, just continued walking towards his homeroom class. He was confused though, as to why Jack was following him.

“Don’t you have your own class to get too?” Alex mumbled eye’s moving to look at the boy quickly then going back to watching his feet.

“I’m new. That’s why I asked if you could help me find my first class. But you weren’t listening to me were you?” Jack said with a smirk. Alex felt his cheeks heating up, which cause Jack to ‘awh’ at him.

“Shut up.” Alex said, ducking his head the blush getting even darker. Jack laughed loud again, causing Alex to roll his eyes.

“Let me see your timetable.” He said with a sigh, stopping in front of his homeroom. He read it over with a slight sigh. He looked back up to see Jack staring at him, a small smile on his face. It confused Alex, more because it made his stomach get this weird feeling. But he ignored it, he has enough weird feelings to worry about.

“So you have homeroom with me right now. Also we have English after this together, which is in the same classroom. You have guitar before lunch in the music room. Then you have Math, which is obviously in the Math hall. Then we have Art together after lunch.” Alex said. Jack was smirking again.

“Looks like you won’t be getting rid of me any time soon.” He said with a wink. Then he headed into the classroom an, once again blushing, Alex following behind.

Alex took his usual seat at the very back of the classroom, away from the eyes of his judging peers. His teacher smiled at him over her desk, her small dark blue eyes filling with a sad happiness. Alex looked away quickly, he didn’t want her pity. He wasn’t surprised when Jack came and sat beside him a big smile on his face.

A few kids looked at the strangely, confused as to why the new kid was going to sit beside the quiet skinny freak. Jack seemed oblivious to the stares, while Alex just tried his best to ignore them like he always did.

The class went by smoothly, the teacher only called on Alex twice or so. He didn’t like that she called on him at all, but he was happy she didn’t pretend like he wasn’t even there like some of his other teachers. They pretended like he was dead. Just a ghost in a seat. Jack spent the whole period either staring at Alex, or asking him questions on all the work he’s missed in the past two weeks since school started.

Alex knew already that Jack wasn’t going to leave him alone.

By the time English was over, Alex wasn’t feeling too good. This wasn’t a surprise to him. He started heading in the direction of the office after he left the classroom. Jack trailing behind him. When Alex realized Jack was following him he stopped and turned to face him.

“What are you doing?” He said. Jack smiled.

“Waiting for you to show me where the Math hall is.” He said simply. Alex just looked at him.

“Look, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but me? I don’t have ‘friends’ who I ‘hang out’ with.” Alex said, using air quotes around the words friends and hang out. Jack just raised his eyebrows that smirk finally disappearing from his face. Alex stared at him for a while, waiting for him to realize that he didn’t want to be friends with Alex then turn around and walk out of his life forever. But then he started smirking again.

Alex wanted to smack that smirk right off of his face.

“There’s always a first for everything. So Alex, it would be an honour to be your first ‘friend.’” Jack said, mocking Alex’s use of air quotes. Alex’s glare got more intense as Jack’s smile grew.

“I’ll see you at lunch, friend!” Jack said, and then he was off. Disappearing in the wave of kids. Shaking his head Alex continued into the office. The nurse smiled sadly at him as she saw him walk in. She nodded her head, already knowing why Alex was here. She wrote him the note he needed and gave him another sad smile, sending him on his way. Alex glared at her as she turned around. He didn’t want her pity. He didn’t want any one's pity.

-

 _You have to understand Jack, pity was the one thing I hated more then anything. People pitied me all the time, my parents, my teachers, my peers. The only reason I was so skeptical with you is because I didn’t want you to want to know me because you felt bad for me, maybe that’s why I never told you._

-

The next day came by too quickly for Alex. He was tired, instead of sleeping he spent most of the night hunched over the toilet bowl, throwing up everything in his empty stomach. His parents checking on him occasionally, eyes full of worry. Jack was already sitting in English class when Alex came in in all his baggy hoodie and skinny jean glory. Alex didn’t catch the way Jack looked him up and down, eyes staying on certain areas of his anatomy then others.

Alex sat down and let his head fall down onto his arms. Closing his eyes he breathed in slowly trying to get his head to stop pounding. He practically jumped out of his seat when he felt a hand on his leg. He looked wide eyed at Jack, who was raising an eyebrow in question.

“You okay?” He asked, concern in his eyes. _It’s not concern its pity. Just like everyone else._ Alex took another breath, trying to ignore his mind.

“Just fine.” He mumbled opening his book so he could preoccupy his hands somehow. Jack gave him a sceptical look, obviously not believe his lie. But then he let it go, finding it better to just ignore Alex’s bad mood. He was realizing Alex was always in a bad mood and he’s only known the kid for a day. Well that was certainly going to change, Jack thought.

“So do you already hate me that much?” Jack said after a few minutes of silence. The teacher still wasn’t in the classroom, even though the bell had already rung.

“What?” Alex said, confusion covering his features. Jack smiled at that. Alex really was gorgeous.

“Well you skipped lunch and Art just so you wouldn’t have to see me.” Jack said a fake pout on his face. Alex couldn’t help but stare at his lips a little longer than necessary.

“I didn’t skip because of you, Jack. I wasn’t feeling good so went home.” Alex mumbled. Jack opened his mouth to respond, but then the teacher walked in, bitching about the homework that was due. A few minutes before the class was over, Alex pushed a small piece of paper over to Jack.

 _I don’t hate you._ was all it said in Alex’s messy writing. Jack looked up to respond to Alex but he was already gone, the bell having rung.

Jack couldn’t keep the smile off his face for the rest of the day.

-

The next few weeks went by rather quickly, before Alex could blink, it was already Fall. Jack was still as persistent as ever. Talking to Alex every day, walking him to class sometimes too. Alex was starting to feel more comfortable around him. He didn’t know whether to be happy at that or angry with himself that he was doing this.

It was a Monday when Alex finally let Jack into his life a little more.

The rain was coming down in buckets as Jack stood in the doorway of his school. He quickly made a dash for his car trying his best to stay dry. It proved to be useless because he was drenched by the time he got his door closed. He shrugged out of his jacket, shivering as the cool air hit his bare arms. He turned the car on then cranked the heat.

He pulled out of the school parking lot and started driving down the road towards his house. Then he spotted a figure walking on the sidewalk head down, hood up. He recognized his backpack first and then the way he walked with his ass shaking with each step. It’s that ass’ fault he’s spent more time with his hand around his dick in these past three weeks then he did all summer.

Jack slowed his car down to a crawl, keeping pace with Alex. He honked his horn, causing Alex to jump and turn around face blurry because of the rain. Jack honked again and leaned over to open the passenger door.

“Alex! Get in before my car fucking floods!” Jack yelled. Alex hesitated at first and then quickly hurried over to Jacks car. He slammed the door shut behind him and let his backpack fall between his legs. Alex removed the hood from over his head, body racking with shivers.

“T-thank you.” He mumbled out, cheeks red. Jack smiled, not knowing how it was possible for someone to be this perfect.

“Not a problem. Address?” Alex quickly told him where he lived, eyes never leaving his shaking hands. Jack sighed quietly and turned the music on. Silence always bugged him.

“Hope you like Blink-182.” Jack mumbled, the opening chords to Pathetic started playing, causing Alex to crack a small smile.

Jack swears that was the moment he fell for the older boy.

Too quickly they arrived at Alex’s home. A small apartment building only 10 minutes from Jack’s own house. Jack parked the car out front and took off his seat belt. He and Alex sat there till the song that was playing ended. Alex turned to look at Jack after, his small smile still on his face. Jack was staring at him an unreadable expression on his face. Alex coughed and looked away.

“Do you. Uhm. Want to come up? I can help you with that English homework.” Alex mumbled around his fingers. Jack reached up and took the hand he was trying desperately to take the nails off of away from his mouth. Alex looked at their hands. Not intertwined just resting together. He wanted to know what it would look like intertwined.

Slowly he slipped his fingers in between Jack’s. They fit together perfectly, Alex noted. He looked up at Jack when he squeezed Alex’s hand lightly.

“I’d love to.” Jack said with a smile. He let go of Alex’s hand, reaching behind them to grab his backpack, then he quickly grabbed Alex’s too.

“Ready?” Jack asked, smile still on his face. Alex nodded. They both bolted out of the car at the same time, rain still soaking them both from head to toe. By the time they reached the inside of the apartment they were both laughing lightly.

“You looked like a drenched cat.” Jack said to Alex with a chuckle. Alex pouted and turned around, heading towards the hallway connected to the main area of the building. He only walked by a few doors before he stopped in front of apartment number 106. He opened the door and stepped in, taking off his shoes at the door. Jack followed him inside, removing his shoes also.

“I can give you a change of clothes. You must be freezing.” Alex mumbled. Jack nodded, now just realizing he was shivering. Alex motioned for him to follow him down a small hallway. He opened the first door and grabbed two towels out of the small closet. After passing one to Jack he turned to the door across from the closet.

“Sorry it’s a little messy.” Alex said, a small blush on his cheeks, as he opened the door. Jack smiled at the messy room, clothes strewn all over the room, posters covering the walls. It looked a lot like Jacks room back home.

“Here.” Alex said handing Jack a pair of pants and a shirt.

“The washroom is the last door down the hall.” Alex said. Jack thanked him for the clothes then went to change.

Alex took a deep breath after Jack left his room; he quickly took his pants and boxers off throwing on another pair of boxers and some baggy track pants. He removed his sweater next taking his t-shirt off with it. He caught a glimpse of himself in his mirror and cringed. He really was losing a lot of weight.

“Hey Alex I was thinking –“Jack stopped speaking when he walked into Alex’s room. Alex looked at him, a horrified look on his face.

“Alex…” Jack whispered, eyes trailing over his torso. He could see each rib individually, his collar bones more prominent then Jacks. Alex quickly turned around and grabbed a sweater throwing it over his head. Jack wanted to cry at the sight of his spine, each divot noticeable through his skin.

“Alex.” Jack said again. He didn’t turn around.

“Just… Please.” Alex whispered. Jack didn’t say anything back. He turned around and looked at Jack; he was just staring at Alex. Alex gave him a forced smile.

“How about that English work?” He said. Jack nodded slowly turning around and heading back out into the apartment where they left their bags. Alex sighed once again. He knew he should stop this now, but the selfish part of him couldn’t. Jack was in his life now and he needed him. More than he would ever know.

-

 _I guess that’s where I really messed up, didn’t I? I shouldn’t have told you not to ask. I should have come right out and told you. While you still had a chance to get away and out of my life. But I didn’t, Jack. I couldn’t. Because even back then I knew I needed you in my life. I knew that you would be one of the best things that have ever happened to me. And you were, Jack. I wanted you to stay in my life because you wanted too, not because of pity. I know it’s selfish that I put you through this, but you have to forgive me for that. You were the last thing I wanted to be selfish about._

-

Closer and closer Christmas was coming along with that so were Alex and Jack. Over the four months they have known each other they’ve learnt almost everything about each other. _Almost_ everything.

“Jack?” Alex whispered one night. Jack was passed out on a mattress placed on Alex’s floor. It was the night before Christmas Eve. Jack’s parents had decided to go on vacation till said night, opting to leave Jack home alone for the whole Christmas break. Alex was astonished that his parents could just leave him at a time like this. So he asked his parents and they said it was okay if he stayed with them for the week, just so he wasn’t alone.

They were sceptical at first; they could see the way Jack looked at their son. It made them nervous. Alex couldn’t understand why. He and Jack were just friends. It’s all they could ever be. It’s all Jack wanted to be. It’s all Alex could _allow_ them to be.

“Hmm?” Jack hummed out turning his head towards Alex. The older boy smiled lightly, eyes scanning over Jack’s bare torso.

“What do you want for Christmas?” He whispered. Jack blinked a few times, trying to get his eyes to focus on Alex who was leaning over the bed looking at him. Jack looked at Alex, really looked.

Over the past four months he’s lost some weight, it wasn’t obvious, but to Jack it was. When he hugged him he could feel his ribs under his hands. When they went shopping for jeans Alex bought a pair from the kids section, the adult girl’s size even too big for him. The dark circles under his eyes were getting worse also, his brown eyes looking so tired.

To say Jack was worried was an understatement. Every time Alex would text him saying he wasn’t going to school, the knot in Jack’s stomach got worse. He knew there was something wrong. But he didn’t know what and he knew Alex wouldn’t tell him. So he let it sit in the back of his mind, growing and growing with each day.

“Something I already have, but I just want more. Want to be more.” Jack finally whispered back. Alex looked at him. He was perfect. Everything Alex wasn’t. Everything Alex couldn’t be. He will be one of those guys to grow up and be a healthy, happy man. He will have the perfect family, wife, kids and a dog. Everything Alex won’t have.

“I’m sure you’ll get whatever you want, Jack. You deserve it.” Alex said. Jack smiled to himself. He waited till he heard Alex’s soft snoring till he sat up. He reached out and tucked a stray hair away from Alex’s face.

“I want you, Alex. I want to be with you.” He whispered. Leaning down he placed a light kiss on his forehead before he lied back down.

-

“Yeah, I understand. No. It’s fine. Okay. I’ll see you then. Love you too.” Jack mumbled as he hung up his cell phone. He let his head fall back against Alex’s bed, said boy sitting beside Jack, finger nails being chewed to bits as he looked worriedly over at Jack.

“Stop.” Jack mumbled pulling Alex’s hand out of his mouth. He intertwined his fingers with Alex’s, squeezing lightly.

“They’re staying till the 2nd now.” Jack mumbled eyes closed. He turned his head away from Alex, but he still saw the small tear slip down his cheek.

“Jack. I’m sorry.” Alex mumbled. He moved so he was lying down beside Jack, hands intertwined in between them. Jack took a deep breath and turned his body so he was facing Jack.

“What can I do to make you feel better?” Alex asked his free hand coming up to push it through Jack’s hair. Jack closed his eyes at the touch, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He felt Alex trace his features. His eyes, nose, _lips._

Jack knew what needed to feel better.

“Kiss me.” Jack whispered opening his eyes. Alex was staring at him eyes wide, shock evident on his face. But Jack wasn’t going to take it back. It’s what he wanted, no, what he _needed_ to feel better. Jack slowly untangled his hand from Alex’s letting both his hands move down his frail body to his hips. Alex followed Jack’s hands with his eyes, letting him practically lift him on top of his lap. Alex leaned down so his hands were on either side of Jack’s head.

“Please.” Jack whispered, tears gathering in his eyes. Alex felt his own eyes water, the thought of Jack hurting being more then he could bare. Slowly, Alex leaned down. He hovered above Jack’s face looking back and forth between his lips and his eyes. Jack just kept his eyes on Alex’s the whole time. Taking a deep breath Alex leaned down.

Their lips met, just a light brush.

Alex pulled back, cheeks red and Jack just looked at him. Then Alex was leaning back down kissing Jack with a force he didn’t know he had. It was simple and sweet. Soft presses of lips to lips. Jack pulled away first, breathing heavily.

“I don’t want you to hurt anymore, Jack.” Alex whispered placing his hand softly on his cheek. Jack’s sob broke the silence of the room. Alex moved off Jack, opting to sit up and pull him into his chest.

“You’re spending Christmas with us.” Alex mumbled hands running over Jack’s back and hair. He felt Jack nod against his chest, his sobs turning into small sniffles every now and then.

“Alex?” Jack asked after they were settled in Alex’s bed, together.

“Hmm?” Alex asked eyes on Jacks.

“What do you want for Christmas?” He whispered. The answer was on the tip of his tongue the one he should have told him, but he didn’t.

“To have you here.” Alex whispered back.

-

 _To say that that Christmas was the best one I had ever had would be an understatement. Just having you there with me made it better then any holiday I’ve ever had Jack. I don’t think you saw what you did to me. You made my life worthwhile while we were together. You made it worth the struggle, Jack. You always did._

-

“Come on Alex, it’s just a small party. We’ll go for the countdown and then we’ll come back okay?” Jack was practically begging Alex now. Alex had a reason to be hesitant. He’s never been to a party before. Hell, he’s never even had a drink before.

But then Jack was giving him those puppy dog eyes and he caved.

“Fine.” He said with an exasperated sigh. Jack basically whooped, leaning over to hug Alex and kiss him on the cheek. Alex felt the blush rise on his cheeks once again.

“Jack?” Alex said while Jack was slipping his coat on. He turned around and looked at Alex; he saw the look on Alex’s face and moved closer to him resting his hands on his thin hips.

“I want you to know, that this was one of the best Christmas’ I’ve ever had. If I never get to see Christmas again, I’ll be happy knowing this was my last one.” Alex whispered avoiding Jack’s gaze. Confused, Jack slowly nodded. Leaning down he kissed Alex’s forehead and gave him a tight squeeze.

“Now, let us go get drunk.” Jack said with a wicked grin. Alex groaned as Jack pulled him out of his door.

-

Alex was drunk, to put it lightly. Jack smiled fondly down at the older boy who was hanging off of him trying to stay standing for the countdown. Alex looked up at Jack that drunken smile that only comes when you’ve consumed just the right amount of alcohol on his face.

“You better kiss me.” Alex slurred slightly, standing up to his full height. Jack laughed as the countdown started.

“Ten! Nine! Eight!” Everyone yelled. Alex was looking around a smile lighting up his face, but all Jack could see was Alex. Everyone else in the room didn’t matter. All that mattered right now was him and Alex.

“Four! Three! Two! One!” Alex turned back to look at Jack. He leaned down and placed his chapped lips on Alex’s smiling when Alex pushed back against him.

“Happy New Year!” Jack could hear the cheers around him, but all he cared about was the feel of Alex’s tongue in his mouth mapping out his mouth. A sober Alex would never be brave enough to kiss him like this first. They kissed till they couldn’t breathe. When they pulled apart Alex’s cheeks were flushed, pupils blown wide.

“Never leave me Jack. Ever.” Alex whispered eyes watering. Jack smiled fondly down at him and shook his head.

“I’ll never leave you, Alex.” He whispered kissing him again. Alex felt a few tears fall at Jack’s words knowing he wouldn’t, _couldn’t,_ say them back.

-

“I’m going to fail every class I have this semester.” Jack said with a sigh. He was sitting on Alex’s bed books in front of him. Alex looked up from his laptop, smile on his face. Jack noticed he was smiling a lot lately. He had also been gaining some weight back.

“You’re not going to fail.” Alex said with an eye roll. He closed his laptop and walked over to sit beside Jack. Jack just looked at him for a while.

“Thank you, Alex.” Jack said. Alex looked up confused. Jack was staring at him a serious look in his eyes.

“…For?” Alex said, ducking his head. Jack’s made him feel things sometimes, he couldn’t explain it. Jack took a deep breath; he was going to do this.

“For letting me into your life, I know how hard that was for you. I don’t know what happened before I came along. Hell, I don’t know what happened while I was here with you, but all I know is that having you in my life has made it a hell of a lot easier to want to keep living.

This whole thing with my parents has been going on for so long now, Alex. But having you in my life has made it so much easier. When we met I was at my worst, I wouldn’t say I was depressed, but I was certainly not happy. But then I saw you, Alex. And something clicked? It’s like you were the missing piece to my puzzle.” Jack finished. He looked up to Alex to see him crying.

“Baby no, why are you crying?” Jack asked. Alex couldn’t answer him. He couldn’t tell him that he was sorry that his puzzle will never be solved, not forever at least. He was sorry he felt the exact same way.

“Alex, please be with me.” Jack whispered resting his forehead against Alex’s. All Alex could do was nod. Not trusting his mouth. Selfish, that’s all he was. He didn’t deserve Jack. Jack didn’t deserve the pain.

“Thank you, Alex. Thank you so fucking much.” Jack whispered and then he kissed Alex. He kissed his boyfriend. Alex kissed back with just as much force, tears still falling down his cheek onto Jack’s.

-

 _The moment you asked me to be yours was the moment I knew that it was too late to let you go. I loved you. There was no doubting that, I loved you so fucking much, Jack. I’ve loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you. I just didn’t know it then. But I was selfish. So, so selfish. Hurting you was never my intention Jack. You needed me, is what I would always tell myself. You needed me to survive. But it wasn’t true. You didn’t need me, Jack. You don’t need me. Because you will always have me. No matter what Jack, I’ll always be with you; a part of me will always be with you._

-

Before they knew it, it was April.

“Happy five months, Baby.” Jack said with a smile. He leaned down and kissed Alex on the cheek. It was a Saturday, Alex had invited Jack over for their five months, wanting to spend the night alone with him watching movies and eating pizza, and hopefully some _other_ activities.

“I ordered the Pizza and have my room set up for movies.” Alex said. He stood up and grabbed Jack’s hand, bringing him to his room. He hesitated before he opened the door; turning to Jack he kissed him hard on the mouth. Jack kissed back a smile on his face.

“Don’t laugh at me, okay?” Alex mumbled as he pulled away. Jack nodded, confused. Alex sighed and opened the door. Jack stepped in and gasped. Alex had moved his furniture around to make a fort. Jack could see the little Christmas lights under the blankets and his small TV too. It was perfect. Jack turned to Alex a smile on his face.

“You’re amazing you know?” Jack said. Alex blushed.

“You like it?” He whispered hugging Jack. He felt Jack nod against him, causing him to smile. The doorbell rang signalling the arrival of their pizza, which Alex went to fetch. He came back and lied down with Jack, snuggling up to him, smiling at how amazing he felt.

They had finished off the pizza and already watched 2 movies when Alex said it.

“I love you.” He said, eyes wide, staring at Jack. For a minute Jack didn’t say anything. He just looked at Alex, his face unreadable.

“I love you, too.” He finally said. Alex swallowed and leaned over to kiss Jack. It started to get a little heated, ending up with Alex on his back, Jack having a leg between both of his, slowly moving against each other.

They have already done some stuff together, but they haven’t slept together. Alex was trying to put it off for a while, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of Jack. But he loved Jack and he wanted to make love with Jack. He was scared he would never be able too.

“Jack.” Alex whispered looking at him. Jack looked down at him, eyes wide and mouth open small moans coming out. Alex looked at him, trying to convey what he wanted with his eyes. Jack got the hint. He leaned down and kissed Alex hard, slowly removing his shirt.

Soon they were naked, kissing and touching all over. Jack had ventured out of the fort to find a condom and lube while Alex tried to control his breathing. He wasn’t scared - he was excited. Having sex, to Alex, is one of the most intimate things you could ever do with a person. To him it’s like your sharing a part of yourself with that person, a part that they will always have of you, forever. That’s why he wanted to make love with Jack, he wanted Jack to have that piece of him forever.

“I’m going to stretch you first.” Jack whispered his fingers coated with lube, Alex nodded biting his lip as Jack pushed one finger in. Alex winced slightly, the feeling not nice, but not uncomfortable. After a minute or so, Jack added another finger.

It’s when he hit that _spot_ that Alex lost it. He started moaning, pushing back on Jack’s fingers, now three inside of him. Jack soon pulled out his fingers, wiping them on a spare shirt. He placed the condom on, adding some lube so he wouldn’t hurt Alex anymore then he was going too.

“You ready?” Jack asked Alex. The older boy nodded, legs wrapping around Jack as he slowly pushed in. Jack groaned at how tight he was, but kept still. Alex’s face was bunched up in pain, but after a few seconds he nodded and Jack pulled out, pushing back in slowly.

It took a few minutes for Jack to find that spot again, but when he did Alex was gasping and grabbing at Jack. They kissed hard for a while, but then it was more of just a touch of mouths. Breathing in each other’s air.

Alex came first, Jack not even needing to touch him. Jack followed soon after, kissing Alex while he rode out his orgasm.

“I love you.” Alex mumbled as Jack lied back down beside him. He had thrown the condom out and grabbed a new pair of underwear for the both of them.

“I love you, too. I always will.” Jack mumbled back. They kissed again for a while, light feathery kisses, before they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

-

Two months later is when everything went downhill.

Alex hadn’t shown up to school for a few days now. He was claiming he was sick and couldn’t see Jack because he didn’t want him to get sick too. But Jack was starting to get worried. So after school he went over to Alex’s house.

“What do you mean he isn’t here?” Jack said confusion lacing his words. Alex’s Dad sighed.

“He’s… He’s in the hospital.” He finally said. Jack’s eyes widened.

“What?! Why? Is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay?!” Jack said tears filling his eyes. Alex’s dad sighed again. He turned around to grab his coat.

“Come on then.” He said. Jack followed behind Mr. Gaskarth, worry filling his heart. The car ride was silent. Jack to worrying about Alex too much to talk. They arrived at the hospital in 15 minutes heading straight in, not stopping at the front desk to check in or anything. That worried Jack even more.

“He’s in there.” Alex’s dad said motioning to the door in front of them. Jack hesitated then slowly opened the door. He saw Alex’s mum first, who stood up when she saw him and left the room, giving them privacy.

Jack took a deep breath before he stepped all the way into the room. He froze when he saw Alex.

He was lying on the hospital bed looking small and fragile. Jack felt the tears flowing down his cheeks already. He saw Alex move then watched his eyes open. Alex looked around, obviously searching for his mum or dad, but then his eyes landed on Jack.

“Jack…” He whispered. Jack walked over and sat down in the chair beside Alex’s bed. Alex looked like he was going to cry.

“Alex, baby, what’s happening? Why are you in a hospital?” Jack asked tears blurring his vision.

“Jack.. I- I.” Alex was tripping over his words.

“Alex just stop fucking lying to me! I want to know what’s wrong and I want to know now!” Jack said, his voice rising. Alex looked down at his hands chewing on his lip. He took a deep breath then looked up.

“I’m sick.” Alex said. Jack kept quiet just listening to Alex talk.

“I’ve been sick for a while now, Jack. Since before I met you.” Alex mumbled looking away from Jack.

“Don’t look away from me. Please, Alex.” He whispered sounding broken. Alex looked back at his boyfriend, the love of his life. He felt his eyes swell with tears.

“When we met, the doctors told me I didn’t have much longer. But then after a few months they said I was improving, around the time we finally got together. I was getting better, I had you, I got hopeful that I would be okay. But I shouldn’t have been so stupid.” Alex said with a bitter laugh.

“How much longer do you have?” Jack whispered, voice broken and sad.

“They don’t know how much longer I have Jack. It could be another month, it could be another day. All I know, Jack, is that soon.. I’m going to die.” Alex said finally voice cracking. Jack could feel his heart breaking with every word Alex spoke. Jack was silent for a long time tears flowing freely down his face.

“Jack. Please say something.” Alex whispered. Jack looked at him, tears in his eyes.

“I _can’t_ lose you Alex.” Jack whispered, tears falling down his cheeks soaking his shirt. Alex smiled sadly at Jack.

“I never meant to do this to you Jack. I never wanted to fall in love with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I knew this would happen and I should have never let you into my life. I should have told you on that first day what was wrong with me. I’m so sorry Jack.” He whispered.

“I love you, Alex. I always will love you, nothing in this world could ever change that.” Jack said hands intertwined with Alex’s.

“I love you more then you will ever know Jack. I always will.” Alex whispered back. Jack leaned up and kissed him hard on the mouth, tracing the outline of his face not knowing when he wont be able to anymore.

-

 _Once again, I’m sorry Jack. If you’re reading this, I’m gone. But in a way I’m not. Because a part of me will always be with you. I may not be with you physically, Jack. You may not be able to hold me or kiss me anymore, but you do have out memories together. I’m in your mind, your soul and your heart. You were my one true love, Jack. You were my anchor in this world. You’re the reason I died the happiest man alive. I just wish I didn’t hurt you. I wish more than anything I never met you, because then you would have met someone else, someone better, someone that could still be alive and with you today. Someone that can hold you and kiss you and remind you how amazing you are each and every day._

 _So for one last time Jack, I’m sorry. But please don’t dwell on me. We had our time together and we changed each other for the better. Don’t stay up late at night crying over me and don’t cry if you’re reading this. I want you to stay strong. I want you to move on Jack. I know that’s a lot to ask, but for me, please do it. Go out and live your life, got to school, get a job, fall in love, have kids. Live your life and forget about me. Don’t live in the past Jack, look at the future. I couldn’t finish that puzzle for you, but you will find someone who can._

 _I loved you with everything I had in me Jack Barakat and now I want you to love someone the way I loved you._

 _xoxo forever in your heart,  
Alex._

-

“Daddy?” Jack looked up at his daughter Alexandria, a sad smile on his face.

“Daddy why are you crying?” She asked wiping away his tears, he laughed lightly kissing her forehead.

“Daddy just misses a friend, sweetie.” He said. She looked at him then nodded grabbing his hand.

“Daddy! I found Daddy!” Jack smiled up at the man standing in his kitchen.

“You did! Good girl! I was wondering where he went!” Zack said to Alexandria. Jack leaned over to kiss Zack hard on the lips.

‘You okay?’ He mouthed to him. Jack just nodded a small smile on his face. He looked over Zack and his beautiful daughter Alexandria a small smile on his face. He kept his promise to Alex. He moved on, but not fully. There’s still a part of him that stays up missed the older boy, wondering what could have happened between them.

-

Later that night, while Zack and Alexandria were sleeping, Jack snuck out of the house. He hoped in his car and drove the 15 minutes to the cemetery. He walked up to a tombstone he knew all too well and sat down in front of it.

“I miss you Alex.” He whispered. 10 years later and it still hurts.

“I want you to know that I was never angry at you, I was hurt of course, but my love for you outweighed any other emotion I was feeling at the time. I missed you and cried over you for weeks even months Alex, but I never not once let it stop me from living my life, I kept my promise to you and now I have the best husband and friend a man could ever ask for and a beautiful baby girl, all thanks to you, Alex.” He said eyes casting upwards to the star filled sky. He wiped away his tears and stood up. He looked down at the ground where the man he who once lived lay.

“I love you, I always will.” He mumbled turning away. That small piece of Alex, always in his heart.

-


End file.
